A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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