I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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