shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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