so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
