babies were throwing up all over the place
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
