we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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