I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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