So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
