my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
