Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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