I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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