I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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