The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
