I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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