he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
BRING THE BAGELS
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
