I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
