just survived the first fart of the relationship.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
