I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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