Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
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