the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
