But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
