I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
