After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
