you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
