Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
