I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
