Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
