And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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