I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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