For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I love having hate sex.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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