its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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