I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
