I hate all girls vehemently.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
