I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I had to cum in my sink.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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