Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize