I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
