I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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