i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
