I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
