He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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