I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
