Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
