Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
