I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
