Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
