Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
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Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
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You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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