i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
