I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
