Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
