Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
