My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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