I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She's the barista slut.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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