So drunk, too bad you don't want this
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
