On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Randomize
